Just Mard.

2012-01-30T03:08:00.003+08:00

Dearest,

Just wana let you know that you look real gorgeous here with that smile :D

Love you~~~

M.

2012-01-29T23:37:00.000+08:00

Why cant you ask me to do everything you need me to do when Im lazing around, instead of asking me for favours when Im in the state of mind to do my work?

And the thing is, I dont always do my work.
So why disturb me when Im doing work?

Annoying.

M.

2012-01-25T09:41:00.000+08:00

Still as excited as ever to see you.
Like Ive never seen you before.

Suke lah buat orang gini?
hahahahaha

M.

2012-01-21T12:19:00.000+08:00

"Gemok gemok pon boleh kene gastric."

Cannot is it? -_-

M.

2012-01-18T09:29:00.000+08:00

Why wont anyone want to go to Chingay to see me perform?
Why? :(

M.

2012-01-17T16:17:00.002+08:00

(:

M.

2012-01-16T22:27:00.000+08:00

Thank you so much..
My heart literally skipped a beat.
The feeling's still lingering in me.
That was very special to me (:

M.

2012-01-16T09:20:00.000+08:00

It was the year of the rabbit last year, seeing more than 450 rabbits adopted and bought last year.
However, 475 rabbits were dumped this year since the year of the rabbit is over.

Its the year of the dragon this year.

So what?
Buy and adopt a dragon this year?

And then dump them the year after?

Seriously people..?? -__-

M.

2012-01-14T23:56:00.000+08:00

It wasnt so bad.
Maybe not yet.
But no!
Im gonna be damn positive about it!

Cos Im a freaking 20 year old school-going young adult O_O

Thank you to my family,
my friends,
and You.

Yes, its not gonna be that bad with you.
Its gonna be awesome :D

Loving you (:

Im already 20 and Im still in school.
Omg.
I need to start giving back bit by bit.
Or I'll feel like Im 2 instead of 20.
Tsk.
Having the 2 seems like double responsibility for me.
Hmm..

M.

2012-01-12T10:01:00.000+08:00

Cant wait to see my Mentel Baby later~~~
Gosh. Suddenly she's the reason Im looking forward to go to school and forced to make sure that its a productive day just so that I would be able to relax while exercising my skills on her once I reach her place after school. Alhamdulillah, thank God for this (:

So Chingay 2012. After 3years of trying to get me in through PAYM, you finally got me in. But of course, I would be with Adiratna and not with you people. Har har har.
And first training coming up later. Cant wait! :D
Even though WD would be there, hopefully its not awkward O_O

On a side note, personally, I think its not justifiable that the potential you see in me, are judged based on the limited experience you have. How is it possible that you see a potential in me based on what you think I would be able to do when you havent seen any of my true self? On what basis can you say that you see potential in me when our experiences are very different?

Im not being haughty or proud or arrogant, but really, Im worth so much more than that potential you see in me. I know myself and my capability, and I understand what you meant by the potential you see in me. And inevitably, I do feel insulted by it.

Ohwells.

M.

2012-01-09T10:28:00.000+08:00

Suicide cases are somehow on the rise.

I wonder if I would be one of the contributors to that statistics if I delayed getting help.

Then again, am I really free from it?

M.

2012-01-07T23:58:00.002+08:00

I found this.

Just thought of sharing.

Hahaha

I wonder how things would be like if I went for RP instead.

Ohwells.

2012-01-05T17:09:00.002+08:00

How to lose weight if Im forever feeling hungry siolz?

M.

This one's for you, Love.

2012-01-02T23:13:00.039+08:00

Thank you so much for today.
I know it seems like any random meet-ups that we've been having, but it meant a lot to me.

It feels great to start anew.
You were right. We need to start a new year properly on a right note

Yes it was difficult, it hurt both of us, but it was necessary for us to move on to a better position, a greater understanding and a happier relationship.

Nothing else holding me back now.

Looking forward to happier days filled with laughter and smiles with you (:

Miss you~~

Yours always,
M.

2011-12-31T21:51:00.001+08:00

You didnt give me any hope.
Because you are the hope I see.
Dont worry, you're not at fault.

And Im sincere when I say that, no hidden agenda.

At the very least, I know you're much happier than before.
And thats mission accomplished for me.

I was right.
Now... What do I do..?

Sigh.

M.

The Power Of Letting Go

2011-12-31T15:27:00.000+08:00

As we all know, today is the last day of 2011.
A brand new 2012 is waiting for us.

This year, Im not that interested in pinning down my reflections for the year because I feel that its rather personal, actually too personal, to be written in here. But of course, I'd like to give a little something to whoever who stumbles upon this blog.

I came across a note in Facebook a few months back and after reading the note, it made me feel better and comforted and alhamdulillah, it somehow changed how I perceive things, not much but there is still a change. Alhamdulillah.

Its not a note from one of my friends, but a mutual friend of a friend, so Im just sharing what I think is beneficial. It is rather lengthy but compact.

Insya'allah it will benefit all readers. Amin.

Lets all be better in everything we do, say and listen in 2012. Amin.

~~~~~

The Power of Letting Go (29th October 2011)

by Ifa Andeera on Sunday, October 30, 2011 at 9:49pm

Bismillahirrahmanirrahim.

What you will be reading are just some points ive taken from the 2hour lecture and i might be missing some points.

The speakers have done a great job in delivering the topic of letting go and acceptance that this note might do injustice to the great words and statements that they've shared. Nonetheless i will try my best to list down all that i can remember.

......................................

The first speaker is Sister Yasmin Mogahed. Her lecture is mainly focused on coping with a loss of a loved one; parents,children, close relative. One statement that caught me was ' Everything in life has its appointed term.'

So how to we cope with it?

1) By saying Inna lillahi wainna ilaihirraji'un. (إِنَّا لِلّهِ وَإِنَّـا إِلَيْهِ رَاجِعونَ) - 'Surely we belong to Allah and to Him shall we return'.

2) Our attitude towards the loss: Those who respond with that attitude Inna lillahi wainna ilaihirraji'un' and Sabr, they will attain 3 amazing things : blessings from Allah Taala, Allah will bestow his Mercy (Rahmat) and Those will be rightly guided (given Hidayah)

She also shared this hadith.

Abu Musa al-Ashari reported that the Prophet Muhammad ( صلى الله عليه وسلم) said, "When a son of a servant of Allah dies, Allah Says to the angels, 'Have you taken the son of My servant?' They say, 'Yes.' Then Allah Says, 'Have you taken the fruit of his heart?' They say, 'Yes.' Allah Says, "What has My servant said?' They say, 'He has praised You and said, Inna lillahi wa inna ilaihi raji'un (To Allah we belong and to Him is our return). Then Allah Says, 'Build a house for My servant in Paradise and call it the house of praise.' From Tirmidhi, Musnad Ahmad and ibn Habban

She mentioned that Allah will replace what that has been taken from you, with something better. As stated above, Allah will build for you a mansion in Paradise and that He also said that the children will wait at the gates of Jannah, wanting to enter Jannah with their parents ( speaking to parents who have loss their children). Jannah is the best of things and also the everlasting.

We viewed her online blog that can be viewed here ; http://youtu.be/avFGLRNw2nU

.......

The second speaker is Ustaz Mohd Zahid Zin. His approach is to make us understand about Al-Qada' & Al-Qadar.

One quote shared : " Accepting what has past, Embracing what is now, welcoming the uncertainties of tomorrow with Faith" Masyaallah...

Understanding Al-Qada' & Al-Qadar.

Al-Qada' : Predestined with measurements

Al-Qadar : When the predestined matter takes place

We should learn from the past, prepare for the future and live in the present! Thats why we learn history so that we dont repeat the same mistakes the people of the past did.

Quranic Verses he shared :

[38:26] "O David! We did indeed make thee a vicegerent on earth: so judge thou between men in truth (and justice): nor follow thou the lusts, (of thy heart), for they will mislead thee from the Path of Allah: for those who wander astray from the Path of Allah, is a Penalty Grievous, for that they forget the Day of Account."

vicegerent here means khalifah on earth. so as a khalifah you have to judge in truth, --->for those who follow lust will be mislead from the path of Allah ---> those who are mislead, will wander astray ---> will receive punishment----> because they forget the day of judgement.

So our aim is the day of judgement.

If i remember correctly this was revelated when Allah was advicing Rasulullah saw. So look at the Story of Prophet Daud.

This shows that Allah wants to teach Rasulullah saw by looking and learning at the past/history.

[25:2] "He to Whom belongs the dominion of the heavens and the earth: no son has He begotten, nor has He a partner in His dominion: it is He Who created all things and ordered them in due proportions. "

Relating to Al-Qada' & Al-Qadar. Allah has made measurements to the qada in proportions for every single human being.

[18:29] "Say: (It is) the truth from the Lord of you (all). Then whosoever will, let him believe, and whosoever will, let him disbelieve. Lo! We have prepared for disbelievers Fire. Its tent encloseth them. If they ask for showers, they will be showered with water like to molten lead which burneth the faces. Calamitous the drink and ill the resting-place!"

Everyone has a choice. That will affect how will the predestined matter to take place.

"Damned be a person whose today is worse that yesterday, whose tomorrow is worse that today." Saiyidina Ali kwh.

...........................................................................

The 3rd speaker is Ustazah Maimunah Alhasbi. I can still remember her during her aljunied 4pm debate days. She was the inspiration i had which leads me to be active in debating back in Irsyad. I was actually wondering where she had gone missing for the past few years. Realised that she was the mastermind behind Project Spirituality. Alhamdulillah, i got the chance to listen to her lecture. wow.

Her approach is to deliver the importance of Forgiving and Letting go. "Let go!" was the most used word that night. She shared 5 Quranic verses and literally go through every arabic word.

Everyone who attended the lecture had something that wanted to forgive and let go. We are always struggling to forget the past.

When an injury is done to us, we never recover until we forgive. It is not a question of whether a person is worthy or not. The question is whether your heart is ready or not.

Ustazah Maimunah highlighted that it has nothing to do with the person who caused us the injury/hurt. All resolves around your heart.

Quranic Verses shared :

[42:40] The recompense for an injury is an injury equal thereto (in degree): but if a person forgives and makes reconciliation, his reward is due, from Allah: for (Allah) loveth not those who do wrong.

Lesson to learn here is : There are two ways to react to the hurt.

1) Can seek justice for the injury, but how far can we be just and fair. This equal here means the right amount of exertion, no more no less. how sure are we that the recompensation is equal to the hurt we feel?

2) Pardon/forgive AND reconcile.

Only when uve done with (2) above then Allah will give his unlimited rewards. After forgiving and reconciling we will feel light. No more feeling angry or pain. Inshaallah.

[42:43] But indeed if any show patience and forgive, that would truly be an exercise of courageous will and resolution in the conduct of affairs.

This goes specifically to those who are hurt before. Be patient and forgive ( صَبَرَ وَغَفَرَ) Patient here means control your emotions, at the first strike of the calamity or hurt.

[31.17] My dear son, establish Salah , and bid the Fair and forbid the Unfair, and observe patience on what befalls you. Surely, this is among the matters of determination;

Advice of Luqman to his son. Related to the calamities you cont control ; death, disasters, sickness...

[24:22] Let not those among you who are endued with grace and amplitude of means resolve by oath against helping their kinsmen those in want, and those who have left their homes in Allah's cause: let them forgive and overlook: do you not wish that Allah should forgive you? For Allah is Oft-Forgiving Most Merciful

FORGIVE AND OVERLOOK. dont feel pain anymore when u talk about the matter or when that someone appears in your mind. Be it letting go of laidoffs at works, failed past relationships, divorces, etc.

That person thought that that act of hurting you was the best possible way out/solution, he/she might think that that was the best decision to make FOR THE MOMENT.

Personally i would like to think of it as the person's weaknesses not to be able to honestly tell us truthfully (thus causing the hurt), etc.. so we accept the weaknesses as they are also human beings. forgive and overlook so we can get the mercy from Allah swt.

' The question is not whether anybody is worthy or not. The question is whether you have the consciousness, the abundance of love then forgiveness will come out of it spontaneously. It is not a calculation, it is not arithmetic.'

[3.134] "Those who spend (freely) whether in prosperity or in adversity; who restrain anger and pardon (all) men; for Allah loves those who do good,― "

AlMuhsinin( ٱلۡمُحۡسِنِينَ) means doing good beyond good.

We are looking towards being on a higher level when we pardon and forgive. Dont expect anything in return and dont expect an apology from those who have done us wrong/hurt us.

For how long are we going to be affected by hurt? Until when do you want to be affected by humans?

Thus the solution is to look beyond surfaces and words... and let go.

At the end of the session we went through this mantra thingy and we took a few minutes to reflect and say..

" I forgive XXXXX. I forgive XXXXX. I forgive XXXXX."

......................................................

The last speaker that summed up the lecture is Ustaz Tarmizi Wahid.

' Be fearful of the prayer of the oppressed.'

'No veil between the victim & Allah. where all his/her prayers will be answered.'

'When we feel hurt.. who are we compared to the hurt felt by Rasulullah saw. What he faced/gone through is beyong what others had undergone."

Dealing with grief...any sort of loss experienced..

Grief is the necessary process to go through to move on..

Example : The grief felt by Rasulullah saw upon the passing of his wife khadijah ra and his uncle Abu Talib. But what did Allah reward our prophet with? Allah gave him Isra' Mi'raj the miraculous event that happened after the year of sadness.

This further strengtens the fact that when Allah takes from you sth/someone, He replaces it with sth so much better. ;D

Tearing and crying is okay when you grieve. But to speak with the tongue, cursing, questioning why this has to happen to you is not..

'Allah is more interested in changing you, than the others around you. So stop blaming others for what happened to you..'

'Do not attempt to change your fate (al-qada') except with doa... La Tughaiir al-qada' illa biddu'a~'

Doa is the only powerful weapon/tool we have as a muslim.

...............................................

Yay finally done writing this longggg note! hope you've gained alot of knowledge. This is all i have that i can share to the best of my ability.

To those friends who the extra ticket was meant to be for, this note is for you. ;)

Thank you and wassalam.

Lots of love,

Sister Andeera

I thought that note was perfectly beautiful.
Hope you people learnt something from it.

Happy New Year (:

Love,
M.

2011-12-31T01:27:00.000+08:00

Cant believe Im so jittery and nervous.
Gosh.

But true, gotta do it.
Might as well clear it.

I dont know what would be the outcome, nor could I even see how things are going to be like.

Im just hoping...
Okay, I dont even know what Im hoping for.
Gawd.

M.

HAPPINESS

2011-12-30T23:41:00.029+08:00

I received this from a good friend of mine.
I think it would be good to share this with everyone.

Something for us to ponder on perhaps..?

~~~~~~

HAPPINESS

John Perry Barlow deliberates on the nature of happiness.

“Happiness is the absence of the striving for happiness.” Chuang-Tzu had it right. No more need be said. But such is human nature that the more succinctly we state the truth, the better we become at ignoring it. I believe that extolling the pursuit of happiness was a toxic stupidity. Indeed, it is a poison that sickens our culture. It produces a monstrous, insatiable hunger that encourages us to devour all the resources of this small planet, feeling ourselves ordained by God to do whatever is necessary to make us happy. And yet the American people are miserable.

What am I to think of my people, who, while feeding at the greatest economic pig-trough the world has ever slopped forth in the year 2000, also ate 13.4 billion dollars worth of Prozac and other anti-depressants? Better living through chemistry? I don't think so. Of my legion friends and acquaintances who have become citizens of Prozac Nation, I have never heard any of them claim that these drugs bring them any closer to actual happiness. Rather, they murmur with listless gratitude, anti-depressants have pulled them back from The Abyss. They are not pursuing happiness. They are fleeing suicide.

Actually, it is unfair to single out America in this regard. The pandemic of longing may have started here in the land of infinite possibilities, but it seems to have spread now to every part of the world where industrial economy and the religion of science have taken deep root. But at least the rest of G8 have not declared happiness to be the kind of patriotic obligation it has become in the country literally founded on its pursuit. Here we suffer the tyranny of fraudulent bonhomie; Big Brother has arrived as the great Smiley Face. I think I probably sensed this early, since I came from a family where nearly everyone drank themselves into oblivion during times like Christmas when happiness was most pathologically pursued.

But not until I turned 30 was it made obvious to me that my wariness of the pursuit of happiness might be a subtle form of treason. This is because the pursuit of happiness is a most insidious hazard; nearly everyone feels its weird invisible pressure – driving them to the fatigue that is despair, in order to acquire possessions that possessed them, money that turned their friends monstrous, addictions that turned them monstrous.

Let me be clear. I like happiness. Hell, I think I am happy most of the time. (I know most Americans, when polled, will tell you the same thing, but I look happy most of the time, which cannot be said of most Americans.) Indeed, my experiences in Africa make me wonder if I wouldn’t be happier moving there. I've spent a lot of time in Africa over the last several years and, wherever I go in that supposedly dark continent, I am continuously amazed by how happy most people seem to be. Despite living with pandemic AIDS, starvation, filth, disease, and ghoulish little wars where children dismember one another, most Africans grin and wave as I pass through their villages. Their pursuit of happiness seems more successful than ours because it is not a solitary endeavour. African happiness is a joint enterprise, something that can only be created by the whole. Much contentment arises from a sense of connectedness.

In contrast, we think Facebook and the local mall are communities. We think that Disney, the corporation, is a story-teller. And, to the extent that we are connected at all, it is largely by the mass media like television, which, as Bertrand Russell pointed out, "allows thousands of people to laugh at the same joke and still remain alone." Imagine an evening spent peering through the suburban windows of America. Think of the faces you would behold within, lit pale by the flickering blue bath of electrons Big Content blasts out for their "entertainment." Slack-jawed and silent, one hand gripping a beer, the other in a bag of chips, they watch other "people" pass through contrived "ordeals" and imagine themselves pursuing happiness. But they are not pursuing happiness. They are seeking what I call The Zone, a mental and emotional condition where nothing happens.

So if happiness is not to be pursued, how can you make yourself a fertile place for happiness to grow of its own? Happiness being the most subjective of states, I can only speak for myself. I have found a few qualities that I believe naturally enrich the ecology of joy. When I'm capable of sustaining them, they sustain me and continue to do so even in these strange days.

Having a sense of mission has served me extremely well and bound myself to purpose rather than its by-product. I have taken a lot of happiness from a sense - often grandiose and sometimes illusory - that I am, by my various actions, helping to create a future that will be more free, more tolerant, more open, and more just.

Which brings me to another solace cheaply available to all. Consider the joys of service. As a few leaders, ranging from Jimmy Carter to the Dalai Lama, demonstrate with their lives, we can become happy through the exercise of compassion. I think the problem is that we tend to approach service the same way we approach exercise programmes, in lunges and spasms of temporary idealism. There are few things that make me happier than successfully resisting the impulse to snarl at some idle transgressor and elevating myself into an actively benign stance. Such opportunities arise almost hourly. The habit of small kindnesses is immensely rewarding.

Which brings me to another under-appreciated fountain of happiness: the common little joys the universe leaves lying around for the truly casual observer. Kafka - that noted happiness-hound - wrote: "It is not necessary that you leave the house. Remain at your table and listen. Do not even listen, only wait. Do not even wait, be wholly still and alone. The world will present itself to you for its unmasking, it can do no other, in ecstasy it will writhe at your feet." He is not talking about the pursuit of happiness. He's not even talking, as one might easily and incorrectly conclude, about lying in wait for happiness. He's talking about making oneself genuinely available to it. He is talking about opening one's senses to the little delights of life and the granular texture of unsolicited joy. There have been many hard times in my life - including the present - when I took refuge in reduced focus, comforting myself with the glorious filigree of immediate existence. Even a man facing a firing squad can appreciate the dawn that also arrays itself before him.

Finally, and always, there is love. By this, I don't mean that economic bargain that often passes for love these days. I don't mean that I will love you if you get good grades, or that I will love you if you'll sleep with me, or that I will love you if anything. I mean what I mean when I say, "I love you." Period. Without expectation, condition, term limit, or obligation. To say that - and to mean it in that way - makes me happy. What makes me happiest of all is when someone says "I love you" to me - meaning it as unconditionally as I intend to mean it - and I simply accept it. When I love without goal and accept love without doubt, I am happy. In this, I am not pursuing happiness. I am becoming it.

Adapted from John Perry Barlow, The Pursuit of Happiness

Are we pursuing happiness or becoming it..?

M.

2011-12-29T23:47:00.001+08:00

Finally full strength of my usual 7.
Alhamdulillah, it was a nice catch-up session.

M.

2011-12-22T02:32:00.001+08:00

At times, when I happened to think about it, it does make me feel down.
When I say down, its really down in the pits kind of shit.

I know the root cause of all these, but its a dilemma which holds a big stake, and I cant bear to take the risk.
For the stake is my life.
But maybe I would, when I feel that Ive had enough of conforming to the norm just to fit in.
Its a never-ending, depressing monologue which makes me feel so bitter about everything.

I get paranoid when things turn a 180degrees around all of a sudden.
Because the voice in my head tells me that Im right about my thoughts.
And most of the time, it is what I think it is.
You dont have to hide it from me anymore because I know.

The only difference now is, it hurts even more than it did back then.
It frustrates me, just knowing that I cant do anything at the moment.
Well I can if I want to, but generally, there's so many things thats stopping me.

See what kind of crap Ive been stuck with for so long?
Sigh.

M.

2011-12-21T00:34:00.000+08:00

Why..?
Why wont you tell me..?

Sigh.

M.

2011-12-20T02:59:00.000+08:00

Wokay Im bored.
Fat Cat's substituted Wire Tap 2.0.
All hail Wire Tap 2.0 for a long-lasting service of 7 years.
Trying to get used to Fat Cat though.

M.

2011-12-18T02:49:00.000+08:00

I still get reminded of you when things/situations which Ive always associated with you, arises.

I dont know which is more painful; Detaching the memory of you from me or detaching you from certain things/situations so that I dont feel something should it come up.

I just feel sad that things have to happen and change everything.
Then again, if things dont happen, I wouldnt be where I am now.

I try not to be affected by all these thoughts and memories but honestly, its difficult when its just right there in front of me.

Oh my god.
What the fuck.

M.

2011-12-17T23:59:00.000+08:00

On papers, Im officially in WD.
But personally, that would only be true when I start going for trainings.
Insya'allah everything will go smoothly, Amin.

I just cant wait for the experience that Im gonna gain.

M.

2011-12-16T23:40:00.011+08:00

Can we really miss the times we have with someone without missing that someone...?

I think its ridiculous.
When you miss the times you had with someone, its automatically missing that someone.
Why complicate matters by saying you only miss the times you had without missing the person?

Truth be told, I was tempted to succumb to it.
Why cant I shut myself without feeling the pinch?
Gawd.

M

2011-12-14T01:47:00.001+08:00

Im not being old school or ke-nenek-kan but I really do appreciate the singers back in P.Ramlee days.

Their voices are just beyond say! No, Beyonce wont be able to match my admiration for those singers.

Okay. Change. Their voices are beyond the highest level of the infinity in awesomeness and class.

And the lyrics. Really shows the beauty of language.

Seriously.

M.

2011-12-12T16:15:00.000+08:00

I think I find thrill in enforcing disasters.

I feel so evil.

Har har har.

M.

2011-12-11T16:29:00.002+08:00

Take it easy.

M.

2011-12-05T00:34:00.002+08:00

Maybe Im just being overly over-sensitive and emotional.
Or am I really like that?

Cos whenever I get those kind of texts, my heart just sank and my insides churn like Im gonna die anytime. No time to even think of the reason behind it. I'll just feel like that.

And it takes a while to feel better.

Or dramatic's the right word?

Sigh.

M.

2011-12-05T00:27:00.000+08:00

"Sayang ku mohon padamu
segera tinggalkan ku
pergilah kau ke tempat yang kau tuju
pasti ada hikmah buatmu dan juga buat diriku"

-Patah Seribu
Shila Amzah

Because I could only empathise.
Perhaps over-empathise.

I dont know how diffiicult it was for you to see someone for the last time at her deathbed and live with it. I dont know how you manage to cope with that. But it seems to me that you are able to manage your emotions better than I can.

Because Im not able to hold my emotions that well when it comes to separation for the last time. I dont know which is better- to be able to see them for the last time or otherwise.

If you cant accept it when you're able to see them for the last time, I dont know if I should be able to handle the countless deaths of relatives this year, whom I didnt get to see for the last time. Because its already so heart-breaking to hear your story of being able to be with her at her last moments here..

Thats why Im just so confused as to whether I should be grateful that I havent been able to be with people during their last moments here..
Plus, its not like Im over everything.

Well you see, its already sad to know that someone is dying.
Its even sadder to be with them, as much as we want to send them away in peace.
To me, its just shattering me to pieces.

Now I know.
But not necessarily accept it.

Im so sorry..
Rest in peace..

M.

2011-12-02T04:00:00.003+08:00

4am bro.
Amaciam?

M.

2011-12-01T00:04:00.002+08:00

Its possible, but difficult, isnt it?

M.

2011-11-30T23:59:00.000+08:00

Asal bukak mulut je, mesti nak kene pekik.
Asal bukak mulut je, mesti nak kene marah.
Asal bukak mulut je, mesti nak maki.

Itulah hikayat orang yang suka sangat cari kemarahan orang.
Step kau hidup sorang je.
Wake up your idea please.
Kanasai.

M.

2011-11-30T23:57:00.000+08:00

In a few minutes time, its gonna be December 2011.
How damn lightning fast time flies siolz.
Im like almost at the end of my second semester.

Have I done anything useful, beneficial and meaningful this year?
Gawd.

M.

2011-11-30T16:57:00.000+08:00

Another one.
Hahahahaha

M.

2011-11-30T16:55:00.002+08:00

Look what I did in class today.
Hahahaha

M.

2011-11-30T16:47:00.002+08:00

Kenape orang dahulu pakai songkok tapi bare-bodied?
Banyak siolz kat citer P.Ramlee.

Hmm...

M.

2011-11-30T16:36:00.000+08:00

Dah Maal Hijrah pon.

Aku je yang belom berhijrah lagi.

Entah bila, aku pon tak tau.

Maybe this Saturday lah after aku pegi interview SIA untuk jadi air stewardess?
HAHAHAHAHAHA.

Big joke siak Mard.
Tsk.

M.

2011-11-28T19:41:00.002+08:00

Living a drug-free life is freaking torturous.

M.

2011-11-28T18:37:00.000+08:00

Its purely the fear of rejection.
Perhaps also the fact that the aftermath of coming out can be quite dire.

M.

2011-11-27T20:15:00.000+08:00

That feeling when you realised you are beyond help.
And you know you can feel worse than you already are.
Sigh.

M.

2011-11-27T04:01:00.000+08:00

Penat lah macam gini.

M.

2011-11-26T23:54:00.001+08:00

Last minute work.
Yea. The smudge tool on the right side kinda spoils the pic.

I didnt know why I added it.
Perhaps cos I wanted to show that I know how to use the bloody tool -___-
Stupid sia. Such a lame picture. Tsk.

2011-11-24T23:34:00.001+08:00

This, Piala Suara Serumpun 2011, took place in July on this very date.
My first bitter sweet experience in dikir barat with Adiratna.
Cos we came in 2nd and was awarded Lagu Juara Terbaik yaw!
Definitely enjoyed performing! :D

M.

2011-11-23T16:24:00.000+08:00

The thing about me is,
I can never remember what I said,
but I remember what Ive done.

M.

2011-11-23T15:50:00.001+08:00

The overproduction of androgens..?

M.

2011-11-23T04:20:00.000+08:00

The last time I saw you, you needed the corner most seat in the train.

It was epic back then.
Only one knew.
It was a coincidental and courageous step we took.

Till now, I cannot figure out why we stopped contacting each other.
Bumped into you a couple of times before the most recent one.
Im very sure you saw me. I know you wanted to talk to me but hesitated.
I know, I read your body language.

Why?
Were you ashamed of your condition?

I wanted to talk to you but I didnt want to embarrass you by doing so because you already looked so nervous and uncomfortable, just looking at me. Sedih you know? Hahaha

Anyways, I wish you luck.
All the best in everything.
I hope you're prepared for whats in store for you and that you have a reliable person to depend on to go through the thick and thin with you.

If you know what Im up to right now, perhaps there is a chance for us to meet and for both of us to benefit from the situation.

Ohwells.

Take good care of yourself and your little one.
Hope to bump into you again.

M.

2011-11-23T00:57:00.000+08:00

This totally cracked me up.

M.

2011-11-22T03:27:00.000+08:00

What would you do..?

Sikit peh penat sekolah and keje like nobody's business.
Haiya.

M.

2011-11-22T03:23:00.001+08:00

Not many were aware.
Two understood.

A couple did figure it out after probing and snooping around here and there.
They tried to help me, not knowing whats happening and why I was behaving that way.
They even ostracised you along they way.
Im sorry about that cos you dont deserve it for they know nothing.

I accept that we were both in a situation whereby we needed someone with us and that we need them physically, not through a call/text/MSN away.
I accept that things happened in the heat of the moment.
I accept that our feelings were mutual and it was a consensus between us that we would go with the flow, with no promises made.

I accept that people change and feelings fade.
I accept that these feelings faded along the way.

I accept that you rekindled certain emotions and you are harbouring the same ones for a few others right now.
I accept that Im incompetent as compared to them.
I accept that it might very well be due to the fact that I cancelled on you.

I accept that you are gone.
I accept that there is no more such thing as us.
I accept that we both dont have any obligations towards each other anymore.

I accept that we dont know each other.
I dont know you enough to make me see the need to hold on anymore.
You dont know me at all to even see what significance am I to you.

I accept that everything is over and that there is no obligation nor reason for either of us to explain ourselves. Its totally alright.

Because I know we have both moved on.

Of course, it was nice to be with you for that moment.
Seems like we landed ourselves on a hooker trip.
Hahahaha

Sayonara.

Well of course, Im still keeping that little heart of yours.
Safely in my closet.
And it stays there.
Forever.
I promise you, I wont peep at it.

Alhamdulillah..
Two down.

M

2011-11-22T02:47:00.003+08:00

The wonders of perspective.

It was not a fib nor was it fibbers pointing all over but its the truth.
Its not about whoo seeks the other but it was about the simplest act of showing you care.
Its not a hassle but its a contemplation given the events occurred.
Why do something with so much contemplation, doubts and worries, right?

I dont need the reminders.
I dont want them either.

Was it really friendship?
Is it really enough to keep a lookout from afar?
Follow up.
It doesnt hurt to check up on someone at a later time.
And its not a habit of mine to keep the news of my well-being updated.

It gave me the impression that you dont bother.
It made me believe in my thoughts even more that you are only someone whom I can depend on to feel good, only after I make you feel good.
Any idea how much disappointment that was?

I thought you've matured.
Perhaps maturity isnt necessarily linked with the ability to read body language and decode in between the lines of emotional cues.

In line with that, how long did you intend to wait till you put in the effort to know your friend?
Why wait for a chance to know me instead of looking for ways to know me?
Im not even talking about opportunities. Just ways to get to know me.
Did you even know how much I wanted you to know me..?
Sigh.

Effort. That was all that I wanted to see.
Seriously, are my expectations too high or are you just too comfortable with what you had that you have forgotten to go to the basics of making new friends?
I still cannot understand that part.

Its true now that Im not able to teach, guide you or be there with you anymore.
This is an indication that Im not the best person to do so for you.
I accept it, for I believe that there are so many better people out there to walk with you.
I dont even know if you've learnt anything. I dont want to be a someone who makes you smile and thats about it. I want to be a teacher and a guide to all my friends.

Because for a smile, you dont need me.
I am very sure of that.

People say that in order to know the value of a laughter, one needs to cry, while others see it the other way, in order to know the value of a tear, one needs to laugh.
Do you know which is which?

Oh my god.
Why the heck did I even bother typing out all these?
Damn annoying or what.
Gosh.

This isnt necessary at all.

Sigh.

Enough is enough.
You dont have to say anything.
Save it.
I dont want to hear anymore.
I really dont want to.

Grant me this last favor.
Please.

M.

2011-11-21T04:33:00.000+08:00

Kan best kalau aku pandai bertarannum.
Boleh nyanyi-nyanyi.

Or maybe I should learn how to sing first eh?

Oh oh oh.
Im kinda excited about something.
Hopefully it would work out.
Amin.

Its 4.33am yaw.
Shagged from work.
Nites world!

M.

2011-11-20T01:33:00.001+08:00

Sekadar lumrah manusia untuk memencilkan diri ketika...

M.

2011-11-19T16:06:00.000+08:00

Relieved.
It feels good to have typed out all that.
3more such entries and I'll be done.

Afterwards, its just about..

M.

2011-11-19T04:51:00.002+08:00

Its 4:51 am and Im still not asleep.
SIgh.

M.

2011-11-19T04:34:00.001+08:00

So a promise made ages ago, is deemed as void because it comes from a stranger now..?
Its about fulfilling a promise made.
Only that.

But I just realised that, even myself, I wouldnt bother about a promise made by a stranger.
Afterall, a stranger's still a stranger, isnt it?
Whats history, is history.
I may be everything in the past, but I can also be nothing in the present.
Its evident now. Im convinced.

Why would you bother about me anyways..
If you call yourself my friend, you would leave me when I needed the space but yet still assure me of your presence, or atleast assure me of your concern, wouldnt you?
But... Ohwells.

Hahahaha omg. This is funny. Seriously funny.
Its just funny lah how I can actually still see myself as somebody in your life.
Ya lah. What to do. In denial what.

So much for being in the third row of your heart.
Bet theres more rows and column in your heart now.
You might even have pieces of those rows and columns and maybe sheets of your heart all over the place.

I lost all faith in you.
I dont believe your words.
I dont believe you.
Not anymore.

You dont know me.
You never did anyways.
And I dont know you.
Even though I knew you.
Or maybe I never did.
I dont wanna know whats happening in your life nor do I want to know if you're doing okay or not.
Because you're never okay anyways.
I dont want to anymore.

Im done trying.
I have a clear conscience.
Its not necessary to complete whats broken or left halfway through.
Im not gonna demand it to be perfect anyways.
Just cant be bothered anymore.

There is no reason why your number should appear on my cellphone.
And definitely, I have no reason nor business to contact you too.
Because we dont know each other.

Sounds like Im sore about this shit huh?
Im not sore about it.
Just damn sick and tired and disgusted by this.

I deserve better.
So much better.

Im so grateful I have my Laminating Pouch by my side all the time.
Thank you so much dear (:

M.

2011-11-17T23:57:00.001+08:00

Again, missed out on our day.

But like Ive mentioned before, whats the point in looking forward to one day when theres so many other days right..? (:

Love you~~

M.

2011-11-16T11:49:00.000+08:00

I understand that everyone wants the best for themselves, including myself.
So why is it so fucking difficult to compromise and work with everyone, experience the different dynamic of a group and just stop being so fucking selfish?

Seriously, you gotta step out of your fucking comfort zone and just fucking learn to work up your way from the bottom instead of starting from the top. Because you wont always have the luxury to make a decision.

Gawd.

I cant believe Im so worked up about this because this issue seems so childish and minute but yet I have to feel this way because of the obligation, which is my grades.

Damn it.

M.

2011-11-15T11:59:00.001+08:00

The Attic.

M.

2011-11-14T23:57:00.004+08:00

How do I tell you that its your eyes who have spoken so much to me..
Evoked so many emotions in me..?

How do I let you know that my heart skips a beat whenever you gaze at me..
Or just look at me and give me a smile which means so much to me with your eyes..?

How do I make you see that its your pair of eyes which helps me to see what I cant see..?

Just how do I convince you that whatever Im saying arent just words and sentences to make you feel better but its really from the bottom of my heart..?

Well, I cant google that.
Cos google wont have any answers to my sincerity.

M.

2011-11-13T03:23:00.002+08:00

I just thought of you.

M.

2011-11-06T00:51:00.000+08:00

Im not going to make it this time round.

I know I wont be able to.
Stupid relapse.

This rebound effect of emotional suppression is as overwhelming as the stay-in-bed-in-pajamas syndrome.

Screw my life.

M.

2011-11-03T10:49:00.001+08:00

Why the pinch..?

M.

2011-11-01T19:49:00.000+08:00

' The question is not whether anybody is worthy or not. The question is whether you have the consciousness, the abundance of love, only then forgiveness will come out of it spontaneously. It is not a calculation, it is not arithmetic.'

2011-11-01T13:39:00.001+08:00

Will you..?

M.

2011-10-30T22:17:00.000+08:00

Just floating here and there.

I must learn how to deal with that..
Dealing doesnt equate to overcoming.
Just coping with it.

Hopefully its enough.

M.

2011-10-30T15:32:00.000+08:00

Its nice to take pictures once in a while.
Gives us concrete evidence on the atmosphere and feelings captured in the picture, at the point of capture.

Cos sometimes we forget how we feel.

Trying to relive the situation again, perhaps..?

M.

2011-10-28T14:08:00.001+08:00

Terus-terus lah naik ke awan tinggi.

M.

2011-10-27T11:39:00.006+08:00

That brief moment left me breathless.

Made me realise how much I really miss you.

Sigh.

Teman ketawa, bersepah-sepah.
Teman menangis, satu dalam seribu.

M.

2011-10-27T02:22:00.004+08:00

Its been thunderstorms these few weeks..
Occasional showers here and there..
Running away from them seems to drown me even further in the flood of misery.
I need My Sunshine.

I miss you... So bad... Sigh.

M.

2011-10-24T03:09:00.004+08:00

Tanyalah hati, ingatlah janji.

M.

2011-10-07T15:14:00.002+08:00

Seems like its been a tad too many times that the luck's being pushed.

2011-10-05T21:09:00.002+08:00

I cant fathom why you cant think it through properly.

Perhaps I feel that Im always the right one. But being the one with supposedly more experience and wisdom due to the advantage of seniority, why the need to resort to the extreme with no thought of others at all?

Look at it in another perspective. Be a thinking and considerate individual. Not an obedient and efficient follower. Of course its difficult to just escape from the situation to have a clearer view of it when we feel fucked up, in hopes of solving it in the best possible way. That, I have to admit and agree that even I cant do it when I dont want to. But seriously, just dont follow what others think is right for you, at the expense of your own blessings and happiness. Have your own stand.

You can call me sundal, you can think that aku kerek sebab dah taknak keluar dengan kau, you can say that Im selfish and forever doing my own things, you can bad mouth about me to the world with no censorship and just whatever that you want to think, say and do to me. I dont fucking care.

Because you're assuring me of my impression of you; You're just making yourself look even worse than you already are to my eyes.

You used to atleast have a position for yourself but now, not anymore. I just feel that its not worth it. Yes, you're not worth any part of me.

If you might even want to consider this, before the next phase in life, please, just take care of the instituition that's been taking care of you, pulling you up when no one wanted to come near you, protecting you when everyone else wanted to get their hands on you and nurturing you from whatever that they have, before you regret it all your life.

Sigh. Im just extremely disappointed, which makes me so freaking angry at you. Gawd.

2011-10-04T22:40:00.001+08:00

Because by calling me sundal, it doesnt make you sundal any lesser.

Just get the hell out of here.

Seriously.

2011-10-04T22:22:00.002+08:00

More often than not, we have the tendency to be subjective when all we want to do is to be objective. The masking or maybe sugar-coating of words seemed to be necessary.

But heck, cut all that crap yo.

Just freaking be straight.forward.

Which would hurt more? Which would have more damage? Which would be easier?

Its mitigating to learn that there are no qualms at all but from deep down, doesnt that voice whisper to you at times...?

Maybe its just me.

Whatever that means.

I love you Girlfriend.. Cant wait to see you on Thursday (:

2011-09-27T23:41:00.000+08:00

Berikan aku Taufiq dan Hidayah Mu...

Amin.

2011-09-05T11:35:00.002+08:00

Sometimes when you read something, see something, hear something or even smell something, it never fails to remind you of someone or something, isnt it?

For the umpteenth time, It gets erased away. It gets forgotten. It gets pushed to a corner.

Very clear cut that It's just there at the right place but at the wrong time. It has always been a rebound to every other person. Better still, It's like an alternative.

Dont you think It feels very sucky to be in that position?

Ohwell.

Im It.

2011-08-26T16:13:00.002+08:00

I never found any joy in Hari Raya.

Its just.. another meaningless celebration.

To me.

Whats the point anyways?

The Hari Raya songs gotta stop man.

Seriously.

2011-08-16T14:23:00.000+08:00

2011-08-15T16:39:00.001+08:00

2011-08-14T04:36:00.001+08:00

So close yet so far.

2011-08-13T03:59:00.000+08:00

2011-08-12T02:57:00.004+08:00

Dearest.

Do you believe me..?

I love you..

2011-08-09T22:42:00.000+08:00

Sial lah.

Mintak kene maki kan kau?

2011-08-07T02:32:00.001+08:00

Why..?

Sigh.

2011-08-06T00:15:00.002+08:00

Berdesing.

2011-08-04T00:53:00.002+08:00

I cant seem to find my will.

It got lost somewhere.

Must have deleted it along with all those unwanted memories.

Stupidity never fails to haunt me.

Like real only.

It was said for the fun of it.

2011-08-01T23:26:00.003+08:00

Tadah bertatang, mata kian bertentang.

2011-07-30T23:25:00.000+08:00

Tak perlu eh.

Sungguh tak perlu.

Sigh.

2011-07-30T22:51:00.002+08:00

Sometimes I wonder if we are doing everybody justice with our emotions, thoughts, past and secrets.

On the other hand, do we really need to do justice to the others before we do so to ourselves?

Omg.

Bingit ke bingit siak.

2011-07-29T20:15:00.000+08:00

Slowly.. But surely.

Insya'allah.

2011-07-23T00:48:00.002+08:00

My apologies arent gona mean anything anymore even though you mean everything to me.

Sigh.

Cant wait for these emotional weeks to end.

2011-07-22T02:27:00.001+08:00

Perhaps rejection is God's way of telling me that Im in the wrong direction.

2011-07-19T01:40:00.001+08:00

I really feel like a loser now.

2011-07-19T01:32:00.003+08:00

It kills me everytime that happens.

Because after every argument, I'll tell myself that it wont happen again.

But yet, the exact opposite would happen.

The stupid things I do to a loved one.

Its just so annoying that I feel so challenged and so much more angry than I already was after every exchange of words when deep down, I still want to talk to you.

Why the hell do I have to be so impulsive, sensitive and so angry?

Gawd.

2011-07-18T10:09:00.000+08:00

Trees absorb noise.

Why cant they plant some trees in the lecture theatre?

2011-07-13T01:52:00.003+08:00

Just one of those nights when everything decides to taunt and haunt me till I feel like dying all over again.

It makes me think, why am I created this way? Why is my family as such? Why are my siblings as such? Why am I like this?

Why is my life path like this? What if I decide to go against it and just blatantly follow my heart, literally? What would be of me then?

At this age, its definitely not an age whereby everything is about me and just me. That stage ended 4years ago. Everything should just stop there and then.

Life is freaking subjective but yet we have to be objective in living it. How freaking ironic is that?

I suppose things can get worser than it already is.

Sigh.

I give up even trying to talk about it.

Im gonna say this once and for all;

We had nothing. There werent anything to start off with, only hopes. False ones, that is. Thanks to you. I dont blame you. In fact, I understand. But I just dont get why you have to be so fickle. Is everyone that nice to you till you cant decide who to choose? Or are you just plain naive? Or was I just the dumb one? You know, I very much wanted to scream in your face, telling you that Im the kind you should be looking for. But heck, I know where I stand and where you stand. Theres just too vast a difference. I hate the fact that I feel the pinch whenever your profile activities come into my newsfeed. I freaking hate it. You really dont need me anymore. Will you just believe in that? So please.. just go away from me. Because I know I have yet to gather up all my courage to do so from you. I hate you for this. You know what makes it difficult for me? Your words which you told me you would materialize. Fuck you for that. Nevertheless, all the best to you and your other half. Take care of yourself and your partner. Just dont expect or even hope for me to catch you and help you get back up on your feet. Because I know Im not strong enough to do that. To sum this stupid paragraph here, Im just the one drowned in too much indenial.

Sometimes I wonder how it would be like to do whatever I feel like doing without any thought on consequences.

Whatever that means.

2011-07-07T16:32:00.001+08:00

Temptations.

2011-07-07T00:53:00.002+08:00

Never good enough for anyone.

2011-07-05T00:45:00.000+08:00

How?